her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
