yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My hand turned me down
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
