I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I had to cum in my sink.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
