Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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