then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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