Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
