I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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