How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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