Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
