you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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