HIV tests are more positive than that guy
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
