I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
