Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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