U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
