I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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