he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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