i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
