I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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