chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize