I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
