I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
