I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
