Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
