Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
