first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
