Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
