Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
