Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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