Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
