He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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