The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
