he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
