I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
