Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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