I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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