Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
