Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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