he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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