I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
