seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
