don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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