we have officially lost it.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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