honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
