even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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