I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
