Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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