turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
