maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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