You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
