I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
