He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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