Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
