just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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