Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
