It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
