He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
