Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
