I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize