Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
