She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
