when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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