There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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